Grateful for

 This view.

I  tend to plan a few things around the lunar calendar. Just to make everything look grander, dunk those views in some heavenly concoction of dreaminess and sublimity. And when you step out on these nights, or look out of your balcony, everything appears the same, yet different. It is one of those rare occasions when you want the electricity gone, just for a while. And in those moments, cities like Prague shine the brightest.

Being alive

Come what may, I continue to drag myself out of bed, work a bit, and enjoy a good walk. I am grateful for my health this year. Better than 2024. Took this photo at an Airbnb in Regensburg right after a night of intense pain. Walked for three hours, sat on a bench, read a new book and had an overpriced coffee that day. 

This human.

This sea of calm right here is the reason this year was kind of nice, at least in parts. So grateful.

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Zoom Out

I asked ChatGPT if I had depression. Before you decide to call me out on this irresponsible behaviour, hear me out. I have no money to pay for a therapist. I have no close friends. I detest the free counselling sessions where everyone looks like they don't want to be there. But what I do have is this objectivity, an ability to zoom out and see myself be me. 

And so I took the help of an AI platform to tell me if I was okay. The questions were simple: Do you have difficulty falling asleep? Do you feel you have disappointed your family members? Do you have very little interest in doing things? Do you feel tired? Are you under-or overeating? Do you have trouble concentrating on things?

After reviewing my answers, ChatGPT told me I was just feeling a bit emotionally flat but was otherwise fine. It also asked me to keep a consistent routine, exercise regularly, practise meditation and talk to people. 

But most importantly, it asked me to write down my thoughts. So I thought, "Why don't I create a blog post out of this journaling exercise?" 

I was feeling really meh while getting these pictures clicked as well—overall sad phase or whatever. But I smiled nonetheless, because, pictures.

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Three offline things I did this month

I recently read on a wall in a cafe that life is whatever we have left after our screen time. The line stayed with me long after. We are losing years to scrolling. So now, to encourage myself to live a little, I have started talking about the offline things I do. Sometimes, I mention my offline activities to friends who may or may not care.  Sometimes, I just take a picture to document the moment. And today, I decided to write a blogpost about it.

I bought flowers for myself for the first time.

I grew up around people who believed flowers were a waste of money. And quite frankly, they are, especially in lower-middle-class households where every expense is carefully calculated, closely monitored, and repeated only if it has real value and doesn't interfere with more important expenses. But now that I can afford to spend just a little money every now and then, I would rather spend it on things like flowers. Once I had them in the house, I realised I looked at them several times a day. And every time, they seem to uplift a part of my spirit.

I stared at a bug for almost half an hour. 

In my defence, the bug looked magnificent. This photo doesn't even do it justice. And it matched the colour of my coffee mug. After staying motionless for a while, the bug appeared to inspect the mug, examining it from three different angles. Almost half an hour later, I think it got bored and decided to leave the mug alone and wandered off.

I read Iris Murdoch's The Sea, the Sea in a month. 

The book is about a theatre director who leaves his dazzling life in London to move to a basic house with no electricity in a coastal town. And he wants to do good, but can a change of scenery change a person?   

For me, the book was almost like a crash course on how to quietly observe a narcissistic, egoistic narrator, never get attached to him, and still enjoy everything around him – the house, the streets, the local market, his friends, and, most importantly, the sea.   

That's all for this month. Will come back with another post next month.

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